Before we dive in I just want to say thank you for reading this and for letting me show you the messy bits of being an artist. So often we only see the curated photos, videos and posts that make life look so beautiful and magical. There’s a whole lot of sweat and swearing that goes into that content and every once in awhile, it just good to show those messy bits because that’s what makes life real. 

When I was a kid, there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do and nothing I wouldn’t try, especially in the world of art and music. I remember feeling of being unstoppable because I had the audacity to believe in myself enough to just go and do whatever my heart and soul told me to do.  Most of the art and music I made was ok, some of it was great and some of it sucked but it didn’t matter to me how it was judged. I loved making it because it was a way I could express myself. I felt that expression was supported on all levels, which then led me to keep improving my skills with practice. I happily shared these songs or pieces of art with others, because it  brought me joy to see how it lit them up to go do their thing. This is what art does. This is how art heals.

Somewhere, in the last ten years. I lost this…… and I don’t know why. 

Perhaps it was when I declared myself a “professional” musician and throwing myself into a world that I never really fit in. Taking myself out of a world that nurtured me and trading it for Spotify streams, endless hustle, hardships, struggles and the worst poverty I’ve ever known to prove myself worthy of any kind of recognition. Somewhere in this journey, I lost myself to being alone, isolated in my work only to surface every once in awhile to throw a piece of music out there with no real aim. Or rather the aim to “build my audience” rather than having intention and purpose. I’ve tried to be so careful to not get sucked in to the machine…….but I got sucked in anyway. As a result, I’ve been feeling  like I’d lost a lot of that audacity to where it’s been hard to produce anything without feeling like I’m taxing myself. 

All of this has led to a moment a couple of weeks ago where I simply couldn’t hack it anymore. It was about a week after the election here in the U.S. and so I was already feeling the heaviness of emotions of grief, dismay and loss of those around me so when the feelings of “I’m not doing enough” plus feeling depleted and stuck with too much on my plate came up to land on my shoulders, I buckled and made a post on Facebook that went like this “I fukn give up!” 

This set off a flurry of concerned comments, messages, texts and phone calls from friends and family. It got to the point where I was compelled to make a second post that night saying I was ok but not ok and that I needed to step back and re-assess and re-frame my life. The following week, I posted nothing as I gave myself the time and space to process where I’m at and where I REALLY want to be. I’ve looked at how I’ve steered my career according to what works for others and what works for the crazy world that is the music business. I can say there have been all kinds of “Wrong Way” signs that have been showing up. This is good. This is leading me to start asking “what is the right way for me?” 

It's become glaringly obvious that I wasn’t built to “make it” in the music business. At this point of my life, I’m not even interested in the music business as it is. That world is so messed up that to spend my time and energy trying to make it, would be like throwing myself at the Great Wall of China hoping to bust it down. What I AM interested in and what I AM built for is to deep dive into that inner world, meet up with my creative shaman and bring her out to play. To make musical medicine from the soul, for the soul. That’s it. That’s enough. The rest is making content around that and sharing it with people who need it. This feels much more doable, honest and authentic. I feel this inner smile when I think of it and I know when I feel that, it’s the right path. 

I’m aware that it’s going to take practice to fully get back  into this realm and take back control of where I wish to go but I’m thirsty and I love this idea way more than the idea of growing my numbers or being obsessed with my metrics on Youtube or social media. I’m feeling my way back and letting this be my practice. And I want to bring you with me if you want to come. 

Before I go, this seems to be a perfect time to mention the release of a brand new song called Hero In the Mirror. This song couldn’t have come along at a more perfect time as I gather myself back up to travel this road. I’ll announce the release dates soon as I wrap things up. Until then, I encourage you to go make something awesome, whether it’s music, dance, a painting or growing the best tulips. This is where the heart and soul are happiest.

Thank you for reading this if you got this far. 

Take good care and keep it real.

In Love and Appreciation,

Pam

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IMPORTANT READ: Traveling the road in solitude is great at times but there are those times I love sharing the road with those who want to come with me. There are ways of doing this by showing up and reading the blogs I post here, sharing the posts I make on social media, going and listening to the music I have on this site or Bandcamp, signing up for my email list or if you really want to go all in for support, signing up for a Patreon membership. This kind of support helps me to keep bringing content to you and to build a community of music, art, love and kinship together. Thank you!!!