So I’m sitting here at my dad’s desk wondering if I should even share what I’m about to write because it has the potential of landing the wrong way with some people. I know I shouldn’t be as concerned about that as much as paying attention to this other voice that’s screaming “people need to hear what you have to say!” Do they? There’s only one way to find out if that’s true and that’s to simply write this and put it out for public consumption. So here goes.

I’ve been thinking about how to share my story of the last 11 years of my life, which has been unconventional, unexpected, unnerving at times, uncertain and uncharted for me. How to share what I’ve learned in the last 11 years without sounding pompous or all-knowing. In reality, I don’t know any more than the next person. But I do know this….

We don’t live the life we want until we decide to.

The experience of the last 11 years of my life has taught me this. No one else can possibly make or even has the right to make the decision of how we live for us. How could anyone know what you need or want in life when they’re not living your life? We sometimes allow others to influence those decisions but in the end, only we can have the final say as long as it doesn’t hurt us, others or this planet we live on. How does this sound to you? Scary? Ridiculous? Laughable? If you answered yes to any of these, I’ll just say I thought the same once upon a time. But then in 2014, everything changed for me as my former life became all at once unmanageable and untenable.

So what is my story?

In March of 2014, I had a visit from a representative of the King County Tax Assessor’s Office. I lived in Seattle, Washington at the time where I had been renting a backyard cottage for 13 years. Since my landlady wasn’t home, I ended up answering a lot of his questions to the best of my ability all the while thinking “I’m not going to be living here much longer am I?” I somehow knew my time there was going to be limited at this point. Sure enough, the following week, my land lady told me that I had to move sometime that summer. I don’t know what took place between her and this guy as far as what was allowed or not allowed concerning the dwelling I was in. I never asked but I felt that it was ok since I had been wanting to move to Oregon anyhow. So, I picked out what I was going to take with me on this extended road trip, shoved the rest into storage and on 1 July 2014, I walked out the door of my longtime home and said good bye to Seattle. Oh and I was 52 at the time.

While I was in Oregon, I put in for my resignation at my work. Probably not the best plan for quitting a job but in my estimation there really was nothing to go back to. I had no home left up there, Seattle was becoming a place I couldn’t recognize any longer and given my track record for finding the lowest paying jobs, I wouldn’t have stood a chance of ever “making it” in the world of skyrocketing rents and rising prices across the board.

I won’t lie. The decision to quit everything I knew about life was all at once scary, terrifying, full of uncertainty, exhilarating and exciting. It was strange to suddenly be in charge on my own life. Something I had dreamed of but now that was in it, suddenly I didn’t know what to do or where to start. I had no real plan for anything. But I did have an idea of what I wanted my life to look like. I just needed some sort of roadmap to get there. Over the years, that map has emerged as I gained skills and knowledge beyond anything I could have ever learned in the 9-5 world. Those first years, taking the first shaky steps, scared the crap out of me. I had no clue what I was doing and you can bet sure I was impatient and wanting to speed through the process to the end where I was living comfortably again. I look back on this impatience and it makes me laugh now. This process of relearning to live a different kind of life is slow and full of unexpected twists and turns that has taught me so many valuable lessons about who I am, what makes me tick and most important, what I can bring to the table that can possibly be helpful to others. Especially in these turbulent and uncertain times we’re all in.

I didn’t think about it at the time but the minute I stepped outside of that box, I was stepping into a certain level of sovereignty and autonomy that I has harbored inside but never really experienced before. I never thought stepping into this level of autonomy was unattainable and only reserved for those who could afford it. But I started realizing that this was my new reality and that I needed to step into self-responsibility before I started to sink into the abyss. I also started realizing that I am a living breathing human being with a nervous system. I am a being with dreams, fears, ideas, and a not so slight way of looking at the world through altruistic eyes. I am enthusiastic, love the things I love and let others love what they love. So, the first thing I started concentrating on was getting my music out there more. This prompted me to make a website so I could have a little home on the internet. I learned about things like Bandcamp where I could also put my music. I learned that each small step I took, added up to something more meaningful and that this life wasn’t so much about the end result as it was about the journey and process.

As time went on, learned more skills and followed more threads that I thought would be helpful to build the kind of life I dreamed of for myself. I’m still working on that dream and probably always will be. And that’s ok. As I mentioned above, there is no end game. Just this journey of paying attention to things that are helpful and leaving things that are not. I know I make it sound so simple when it’s not really because there are some things that do happen that throw a curve ball in the mix. But those curve balls are what teaches us most. What I’ve lost in losing the comfort of my former life, I’ve gained in learning about what I’m capable of. I’ve gained in self-assurance, self-confidence and self- trust. And I’ve gained in listening and paying attention to those whispers from a greater universal power and using them as guideposts. This is not to say that I don’t backslide. I do. A lot. But even those steps backwards are teachers. In fact they are my greatest teachers to try things differently until I can find something that works and I can move forward. It’s a process of moving forward, stopping and being still enough to listen and hear those whispers for the next step. It’s become this dance of give and take. Sometimes that dance is super awkward as I learn new steps but once I can muster up enough patience to work those steps out and gain coordination then it becomes easier.

One of the biggest things I’ve learned in making this jump, is to put on my own oxygen mask on before I can help others put theirs on. This is something so many of us have never really learned. Instead, we learned that helping others first is far more important than to think of ourselves. This seems noble but in the end it can have deadly consequences for us. So at the risk of sounding like I’m pontificating, please put your own oxygen mask on first so you can be there TO help others. It’s a necessary level of selfishness that’s important.

So, there is so much more to this story than I can fit into this one post so I will stop here. But I would like to continue to tell it in a series of blogposts because maybe it could be helpful as we navigate through these chaotic and uncertain times. The way I see things, yes, they are about as bad as they have ever been for humanity but I believe there is purpose to all of it and that purpose is to teach us how we are so capable and powerful we are in making the kind of world we would want to live in. I also believe we need the fire of chaos, uncertainty and yes anger, rage and discomfort to prod us into learning and deciding where we want to go on personal and collective levels. I would like to also remind all of us (myself included) that only we can decide for ourselves where we want to go personally. Know that you always have the support you need even when it doesn’t seen like it. Yes, there will be isolation, grief, anger, outrage, shakiness, fear, confusion and all of it but all of this is a sign you are outgrowing your old self and you are definitely not alone. I know that sounds trite but you’re not alone because I and so many others are going through the same thing. So reach out if you need to.

Being human is an extreme sport but without that extreme we wouldn’t be the amazing beings we are. So stay amazing, Human! You’re doing great whether it feels like it or not.

If you made it this far, thank you for taking to the time read this. I am truly grateful for your presence. Take good care of yourself and of others and I will see you in the next post.

Much love, Pam